Friday, August 10, 2007

Rules of Engagement for Blogging

I can see the potential for some very bad things coming up in the near future. It seems that universes are colliding and worlds are being mixed that could ultimately be very bad for me. Now I am glad that Kelli, my wife, has finally decided to start her own blog, but I was thinking it was going to be about innocent Kelli thoughts, maybe a few pictures of the kids and the animals and that would be about it. Never in my most vivid nightmare did I ever imagine that I would be exposed as a ballroom dancer.

And now she has taken it to the next level, she has actually posted a picture of us ballroom dancing. She claims she's only doing all this because she didn't like the picture of her I posted on my blog to talk about her starting a blog, I liked the picture! As if that's not bad enough, she has now even taken it a step further by inviting bloggers or divers to come to ballroom dance night. Now she would probably tell you it's so that they could learn to ballroom dance too, but I realize that's not why anyone would actually show up.

I can already see the wheels turning in the evil Angelo's mind, he'd show up for ballroom dance with his camera in hand just to get a bunch of blackmail material, or something to use against me when the next Best Blog contest happens 10 years from now, when it is regularly scheduled. Actually he's not the only one I can see stooping to such a level, I think Bev might be perfectly capable of such a diabolical act as well. And then I can see Angelo stealing every picture that Kelli puts up with me in it for his "evil uses at a later time" folder. Like I said, I just see the potential for all kinds of trouble here.

And does this mean that I'm going to get some clowns coming up to me underwater trying to ballroom dance? And will Mike be waiting around the backside of a big rock with his video camera to capture the whole thing on film. And how much would Bruce be willing to pay for such footage so that he could force me to move the next diver & blogger meeting to Porky's instead of Oleai? The potential here for evil is unprecedented.

It's because of all this that I am proposing some Rules of Engagement for this potential earth shattering catastrophe.

#1 - Kelli is not allowed to post anymore ballroom dancing pics on her blog, and has to get all stories about ballroom dancing approved by me before they hit her blog.

#2 - Angelo is not allowed to ever read Kelli's blog for any reason whatsoever!

#3 - Kelli is also not allowed to tell any stories about me that I would consider embarassing or compromising.

#4 - Bev is not allowed to ever read Kelli's blog for any reason whatsoever, unless she bakes me a batch of cookies first, and let's me screen the blog entries she reads to make sure there is nothing there that can be used against me.

#5 - No one who goes to ballroom dance night is ever allowed to post any comments on Kelli's blog about anything having to do with me and dancing.

#6 - Jeff Turbitt can say whatever he wants, but only if he starts taking ballroom dance lessons with Cynthia.

#7 - Bruce Bateman can say whatever he wants, within reason, as long as he takes me out diving occasionally on his boat.

#8 - Angelo has me very afraid from his comment on Kelli's blog "yes". Therefore he's not only not allowed to read her blog, but he's also not allowed to ever contact her in any way, shape or form for the next 50 years.

I think that about covers it. Now if we can all just follow these few simple rules we should all get along just great.

New Bloggers & Exposed Secrets

Well now I've done it, I've actually inspired my wife Kelli to write a blog. And sure enough it has already come back to haunt me. Right off the bat she had to expose one of my deepest, darkest secrets. I thought maybe she would ease into it, talking about Josh & Sarah, the cats, maybe even Greg, I didn't care. But to go shedding light on something about me that I've been trying desperately to keep hidden, I don't know - where do I hide my face now? Yes, that's right, she has told the entire world that I am a ballroom dancer (although a somewhat reluctant one).

I mean does that really go along with my macho diver image? Well, if the truth were told, and everyone knew how absolutely terrible I am at ballroom dancing, they might just think, poor old Harry - he's trying to dance but we all know he doesn't have the coordination or rhythm for it. If you put fins on his feet, he'd undoubtedly be more graceful, and if you put a mask on his face, he'd look a heck of a lot better too!

More proof that I'm a terrible ballroom dancer is that I can only dance swing and foxtrot, and neither of them well. But when they try teaching me any new dances, my brain and feet shut down simultaneously and I get this glazed over look on my eyes. The fact of the matter is that my dance memory card is chock full. It simply can't absorb one more step or move, and when they try making me learn more, a tilt sign shows up in my eyes and my hard drive completely locks up. So if you're female and have any delusions of trying to get me to dance, you'd better be wearing steel toed work boots and realize that there is a very good chance that we will both wind up in a heap on the floor.

I wonder if there is a 12 step program that I can attend for this? Well, they say the first step on the road to recovery is admitting your dark secrets and facing them head on. So yes, I was tricked into learning ballroom dancing, another heinous story that we'll save for another time. I am absolutely horrible at it and am singlehandedly responsible for more foot injuries than CHC has seen in years. So is there any chance that we can all just pretend this nasty little secret never made it out of the closet and just go on with our cool diving lives? Thanks, I knew you'd all be right there to support me!