While this blog may be entirely true, I can't factually support many (or any for that matter) of the rumors and innuendos contained herein, therefore you are strongly advised to just take this as purely entertaining. Of course if you want to consider it total truth, I can't stop you. And whatever you do, please, please, please don't tell anyone else a word of this, but if you do be sure to pass along this full disclaimer absolving me of any responsibility in the matter. I sure wish they let you make the type smaller for this sort of thing.
Well, I really hate stooping to the level of my competitors for the Best Saipan Blog contest and going to negative campaigning. But I have gotten word that Angelo has started an ABB campaign. No it's not about him tightening up his abs, although EJ might want him to. A friend (who shall remain nameless for his, or her own protection) sent me an e-mail with a link to Angelo's little campaign. Now if you read those other sort of blogs where Angelo made his statement and started his little campaign, you might think that ABB stands for Anybody But Blalock. Meaning that Angelo really thinks I'm his main competition in this campaign, so he would rather have you vote for anybody but me.
Well, something told me there was more to this ABB than meets the eye, so I started digging into just what it might really mean. So I called Angelo's mother to ask if she could give me any insight into these strange initials. She thought for a few minutes, then told me that it must be because it's what he always heard growing up, Angelo Bad Boy, Angelo Bad Boy. She figures he must have just abbreviated it, and those initials continue haunting him to this day. Why does this not surprise me at all?
But surely that couldn't be it could it? I mean for someone to go off the deep end as it appears Angelo is doing, it seems like there would just have to be much more to it. Sure enough, my investigation next led me to a police department in an unnamed location, where after talking to several officers I found out that Angelo Beats Babies. So it would seem that his whole life is starting to revolve around these initials.
But still, there must be more to it. Then I talked to someone who explained the whole conspiracy to me. They asked if I remembered who Angelo put on the summer camp with, and all the sudden it started becoming crystal clear. Angelo is an environmentalist, and evidently doesn't have a very good sense of humor. He obviously read my Harry's Crab Shack piece I did a couple weeks ago. He was probably offended that I used the term Enviro-Nazi's, even though I wasn't talking about him. But no, there's more. You'll recall that there was another certain blogger, who continues to remain nameless and linkless (now she's even linkless on Angelo's blog) and evidently I underestimated the friendship between her and Angelo. Now I learned that ABB stood for Angelo's Bestfriend Br (I can't bring myself to do it, so she shall have to remain the nameless one).
Now the picture was finally coming together and I could understand why Angelo wanted me to lose this contest so badly. But wait, there's even more. I know, this kind of sounds like a Ginsu knife infomercial, but I swear every single word of it is true, or at least very entertaining. Believe it or not, but this whole conspiratorial plot gets even more heinous, it gets racial, well if you consider bald it's own racial category. I just recently found out that ABB stands for Anybody But Baldies. So it's not just me that Angelo is discriminating against, it's Jeff too! The truth of the matter is that Angelo is a rabid hairatic or harr-atic, he may be a heretic too, but there's less proof of that than of the others. Angelo openly discriminates against those of us who choose to let our skin glow. Well ok, in Jeff's case it may not be a choice, but that's really not the point here. Jeff is right, bald is beautiful and I will stick with my folically challenged friend through thick and thin, or none in our case.
So I beg of you, don't fall for the seemingly innocent ABB campaign and become a hater yourself. You know that bald is beautiful, and I'm much funnier and more entertaining than Angelo. And it's a proven fact that that 9 out of 10 EJ's prefer Harry, and as for the other one, she prefers Jeff. Don't blame us Angelo, we can't help it if Bald and talkative is the new sexy - your words I believe. So now that all of you know the whole truth and nothing but the truth, or at least a highly entertaining version of it, go ahead change your vote and vote for Harry!
Angelo isn't really as bad as he appears to be from this post, but then again that's just a rumor too, so good luck sorting all of this out. I do believe he has a good sense of humor though, at least I sure hope he does!
Monday, July 30, 2007